Eeeeek. >.< Okay, sorry for the monstrously long wait, I epic fail. Do you forgive me?
Alright, I'm not going to do nitpicks, because I think you can find those on your own and I don't think that there were very many individual sentences that needed fixing. I'm going to focus on the piece and the plot as a whole, instead, yes?
-- Characters
So far, I'm liking Leo much more than Brian from the first part. Why? Because the readers get way deeper into Leo's thoughts and emotions, as well as personality, than they do with Brian. There are so many things I can tell about Leo already: he's determined, he has a kind of grudge against Brian, he's been chasing Brian for a long time, he takes his job seriously, and he enjoys being the one in charge. He's slightly arrogant, maybe a bit over-confident. And I love it, because, from such a short excerpt, I already can tell all of that!
Now, the hard part? Keeping that up throughout the story. You can't let that attitude slowly fade and wither into something watered down. Start the character passionate, and end him passionate!
As for Brian, he's not really in this scene. You still need to work on his personality. Give him quirks-- does he feel sorry for Leo, the man who's chased him and lost him so many times before? Or maybe he has a habit of interrupting people. Maybe he's easily angered. Is he a violent criminal, or more of the "I only do it because I have to" attitude? Figure that out, and things will me better.
-- Plot
I'm interested as to where this is headed. I do think this could go both ways, either being cliched (the whole life-long enemy going after someone he needs to catch thing) or you can make it your own. That's going to depend on you writing each scene well, and remember, plot twists are really helpful in keeping your characters interesting. And I hate to say it, but killing off beloved characters is always gripping too. ^^ Just don't kill them until we've learned to adore them.
All in all this is a terribly ubhelpful critique, but! I'm a little tired. Good luck with this, and feel free to request anything. ^^
~Evi
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Reviews: 537
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